not sure...
So I guess this is where people go who need to talk that has no one to talk to. I'm sure this will end up in my bio some where for everyone to see so people get to know who I am...
So I need someone to talk to...Someone that understands whats going on with me. The only problem is there is no one out there that does...
So here is some background. I've had an exceptionally hard life..(yes everyone thinks they have...)
I was 4 when my luck turned bad. One fall evening my Father scooped me up and went to Grandma's for the day. Well our house caught fire that night. I lost my Mother Sharon in the blaze.
After that I was put in school to try to help with what ever. I was put in school to early some say. I had to endure taunts of "How's your poor dead mother" on the bus to and from school. You know how kids are. They can be pretty brutal.
I actually delt with that for about 4 years before I changed school.
Near the end of my High school year...A vary vary close friend of mine passed away...One that i planed on spending a good deal of time with...but then I was young and who knows. Not many people know about this because I never talked about it.
My 21st Birthday rolled around finally. This was the begining of a real life for me. It was my first trip to play NERO. Not only did I turn 21... but I hit the time change on the drive to Chicago to push me back a day. I got to turn 21 twice.
NERO was a much needed distraction from my real life. I started to interact with people from all over and started to enjoy life again. I met a girl. Rachel... Whom I fell for and spent a good deal of time to convince her to fall for me. Finally I won her over. This was back in 1998. We dated for roughly a year several states away. I'd take a bus down to kentucky. 14 hour ride.. To visit her and her family on the weekends.
I got her to move to Michigan to be with me. Things didnt' work out well so I had to devise a plan to get her back in kentucky. back home where she needed to be. My plan worked well enough. She moved home and I followed her down. Her parents where kind enough to let me live with them. With in 1 week I had a vary nice paying job.
About a year down there I got the whole " I want to be married" deal from her and her family. Well...I'm hard headed and like to do special things my way.
In Dec. 2002 we went to a Red Wings - Predators Hockey game. Her parents where supposed to be there but decided not to go...Which was OK. So right before the game started they had a commercial on the overhead TV's of a guy proposing to a girl...Of course I got the 'look' from her as she said.."Does that give you any ideas?"... I kinda chuckled at her and said that it wouldn't ever happen like that!
Well needless to say she got her ring that night. I can still see the huge smile and the 'glow' of happiness around her...
Everything was going great and looking up. We had our own place. She was working full time and starting a green house with her mother.
On May 11th, 2003 around midnight when she was leaving work a on duty police officer slamed into her car as she left work. He was going over twice the speed limit with no sirens or flashing lights on. She passed away an hour after the accident.
I've been fighting depresion since then and doing pretty good.
I've been doing good up until today...Today i just can't stop crying...
I had a dream that Rachel found me after the burial and was pissed that I didn't know it was a 'stand in' that we burried and I didn't know it was not her...and that she was out getting better but everyone needed to think she was dead
I can't shake that dream nor the guilt I feel from it. I'm sure it will go away. I just needed to get it out of me. Most people don't understand what I've gone thru in my life. Vary few have had similar experiences. Many don't even want it talked about because it makes the situations real....
I wouldn't wish my life on my worst enemy...or anyone for that matter.
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bandista's journal
anxious